


pale oblivion

by chokedme



Category: IT (2017)
Genre: #angst turned fluff, M/M, cute gay boys, might get nsfw later idk, original characters ish, yusss
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-04-10
Packaged: 2019-03-30 13:46:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13952856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chokedme/pseuds/chokedme
Summary: richie tozier didn’t want to die. he wanted to live, he wanted to hear all the beautiful sounds the world had to offer. eddie kaspbrak didn’t want to die. he wanted to help richie tozier hear all the beautiful things the world had to offer.





	1. depression & obsession

**Author's Note:**

> i started to do a hc for this but then it randomly turned into a full fledged, multi chaptered fic with an extensive plot including angst and fluff?? i don't understand how or why. but anyway, richie is deaf in this. if this offends anyone or is scientifically incorrect, PLEASE let me know.

Richie wasn’t mad at his father. It wasn’t his fault. but there was a part of him that was so angry about what happened, it only felt convenient to put the blame on someone else. even if it wasn’t fair. He lies awake at night, insomnia eating away at his insides, thinking about all the what ifs.

_What if he hadn’t asked for a burger? What if he had gone inside to use the bathroom? What if he asked for fast food instead, causing his father to go out instead of starting up that awful grill?_

It had been seven years since he lost his hearing, and the thought that something could have been different, the thought that maybe he could still be able to hear the beautiful sounds of the words around him, still kept him up at night. The nights where he cried himself to sleep were long gone, the inability to sleep replacing his tears. Richie was lucky to get two, maybe even three hours of sleep. But that wasn’t what bothered him.

It was the silence. The silence was what bothered him the most. he could hear his own thoughts all the time, the sound of music, or his friend’s stories, or his parents laughter could no longer fill that void. He felt as if he had no place in the world. No gender, no sexuality, no name. Just a silent blank space. He rolled over on his pillow, tears threatening to spill out of his already bloodshot eyes.

_What’s the point of all this? What’s the point of all this if i can’t even fucking hear, I can’t even fucking communicate? I’m trapped in my own body, my thoughts threatening to drown me._

He wasn’t going to kill himself though. that was stupid, he would only enter a bigger void, a bigger place of silence. He didn’t want that. Richie was above suicide. Therefore, He was really fucking stuck, now wasn’t he? He pulled his blankets further up his body.

_Maybe one day, i won’t be such a useless void._

His body plunged him into sleep unexpectedly, marking the first time in five years that Richie would get more than four hours of sleep.

Waking up the next morning, Richie realized. He had slept. He had slept for at least seven hours, the stiffness in his joints giving it away. A foreign feeling washed over him. Joy. He hadn’t felt genuine joy in years. He almost smiled, but then the rest of his thoughts slammed into him. I’m still Richie fucking Tozier, and I’m still motherfucking deaf. No reason to smile here. He shook the feeling away and began getting dressed for school, barely glancing at the clothes he put on.

Not that it mattered. He only had three friends, and the last thing they cared about were the clothes he wore. Trudging downstairs, the sight of an empty kitchen not surprising him, he took a granola bar from the cabinet and walked out the front door, only a book in hand. He had stopped using book bags in the seventh grade. If the school wouldn’t provide services to make learning easier for him, he wouldn’t lug around a book bag full of shit he’d never do.

It’s not like his grades were bad, because they weren’t. He managed an easy A minus average putting no effort in, whatsoever. The teachers all hated him. he defied all laws of possibility, he couldn’t even hear and he was better than most students in his grade level. He was a junior in high school, and his friends were constantly reminding him to start applying for college. Richie didn’t want to. He didn’t want to go to college.

He wanted to sit in his room for the rest of his life, feeling the vibrations of the music he could never listen to again. He wanted to curl up in a ball in his mother’s garden of sunflowers, the petals wilting from the lack of attention, and watch the bees pollinate the plants. Maybe he wanted one of the bees to sting them, maybe he would scream so loud that his eardrums would unrupture, and he could laugh in his dad’s face.

_Haha, your stupid propane tank didn’t make me lose my hearing after all!_

Richie decided while sitting in class and listening to his thoughts, that he might be crazy.

_No sane person thinks like this, Richie. Maybe i’d be sane if i could fucking hear._

That’s all that went through his mind. day and night.

He never stopped being bitter about his deafness. If a genie came by and gave him three wishes, he would tell it to shove the other two wishes way up it’s ass, that he only ever wanted to hear again. He wanted to hear the rain fall on the sidewalk, he wanted to hear the squeaky sound of a door being opened. He wanted to hear the heartbeat of someone he loved, laying on them next to a fireplace, listening to way the fire crackled in the hearth.

Richie was almost at peace with himself, losing himself in the words on the page of the book in front of him. His teacher was on maternity leave, and the substitute seemed nice enough. She hadn’t so much as glanced as Richie when he walked him, only giving him a confused look when she realized when he didn’t have a book bag.

That rather calm impression of her faded away when he she walked over to his desk and paused right in front of him, her steamy, red face blocking the words of his book. He glanced up, uninterested, and her face turned a deeper shade of red, which Richie thought wasn’t even possible. ms. _i haven't even bothered to learn her name because i don’t give a shit,_ seemed to be yelling something at the top of her lungs. That was just a wild guess, Richie was only making this assumption from the vibrations he felt.

Then she suddenly turned away, eyes like daggers on another student who had stood up, presumably telling her to _fuck off_. Richie had never seen this kid before, but that wasn’t a surprise, he couldn’t name not one person sitting in that room right now if you had held him at gunpoint. The kid was small, with a pastel button up shirt and tiny khaki shorts. Richie felt something stir in his chest when he looked at the boy, which was odd. The boy's face was red, presumably from embarrassment, or anger, Richie couldn't tell, but he looked pretty riled up.

_Is he, defending me?_

He shook the thought away, almost giggling aloud at the ridiculousness of his thoughts. There was no way a boy he had never even spoken to, a cute boy on top of that, would stand up for his deaf ass. 

He hadn’t done much of anything to discover his sexuality, figuring no one would ever fall in love with an empty void. Up until he went deaf, kids of all genders ran away from him and his gross humor, so it wasn’t as if he could figure out what he liked. Not that it mattered of course. but sitting in that chair, watching the small boy with freckles like constellations spread across his cheeks, he felt something for the first time. Maybe it did matter. His chest tightened, and his heart pounded harshly, shocking him.

_What the fuck is happening._

He was snapped out of his amazement when ms. _i’m an asshole because my husband doesn’t fuck me anymore_ , sent the boy out of the room. He followed the boy with his eyes, sending him a small, grateful smile when he looked back. For the second time that day, Richie Tozier surprised himself.

**he hadn’t smiled in at least a year.**

 

 


	2. save me

If you had told Eddie that some people had it worse than he did, he’d laugh right in your face. Eddie kaspbrak lived alone at 17, kicked out of his house the year before by his mother, who refused to raise a homosexual. He lived in a small apartment rented from his second cousin, Patrick, who was horrified to hear what his mother had said to him. He begged Patrick not to tell the police, he was perfectly capable of living on his own, and there was no way he wanted to live in a foster home.

Besides, there was only a year before he turned 18 and could legally apply for financial aid. He could survive a year on his own, right?

Patrick gave in, renting the apartment and making Eddie promise to call him if he needed anything. Eddie never called. He was doing pretty good, he didn’t find that he needed to. He worked at an old pawn shop, filled to the brim with dust and antiques. If he was a few years younger, he would’ve never stepped foot in the place. It would’ve drove his non existent asthma insane. But now at living in his own place, with extensive knowledge of every manipulative thing his mother did, he was able to live his life the way he had never done before.

The thought of it had first excited him, living on his own and doing whatever he wanted to, but it slowly lost it's appeal, causing Eddie more stress and headaches that he had ever received living at his mother's -- and that was a lot to say. But there was no way to go back now. He just had to hold out a year, he could do it.

Eddie didn’t know much about Richie. It was just another name to him. He happened to be in most of his classes though, and sometimes he watched in him walk in in fascination. How can he just not have a book bag? Eddie thought that was incredulous.

He could never just not care about school to that extent. Becoming valedictorian and receiving a scholarship from multiple colleges was his only way out of Derry, so school was all he focused on. Well that, and paying all his bills. Sometimes he cut it close, but he was always able to scrape together the money on time. He wasn’t proud of how he got it, but he got it, nonetheless.

So when he walked into class on that random Monday afternoon, he never would’ve imagined he’d be standing up for the kid. He didn’t even know him that well, but all he knew is that the kid did nothing wrong, and the teacher was screaming in his face. It was a substitute, and from the moment Eddie walked in he could tell she was a bitchy one. He stood up, his palms sweating and his knees wobbling.

_What the fuck am i doing???_

“Hey, could you not yell at him? He’s doing nothing wrong, there’s no reason to shout.”

The lady was looking up at him in shock, and Richie was as well, his cheeks a dark red. Eddie thought there was something especially cute about him. But he pushed away his thoughts, and dealt with the task at hand.

_I stood up and decided to be a “hero" for reasons I cease to understand, might as well live up to the expectation._

The teacher approached his desk, practical steam shooting out of her ears.

“That is no way to speak to an authority figure, young man. Gather your things and go down to the principal's office. now. “

He smirked right back at her, trying to look unbothered.

_the principal’s practically my best friend, does she seriously think she’s scaring me?_

He slipped on his book bag, maintaining eye contact with her the entire time. “See ya later, Ms.” He looked back at Richie as he opened the door, then started down the hall with his heart pounding in his chest.

**He smiled at me**

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Eddie practically skipped to lunch, meeting up with his best friends.

“Hey, bill, can i ask you something?”

Bill had been sitting on the other bench, hunched over his lunch. “W-well, hello to you t-too, Eddie.” he scoffed, chewing his apple. eddie sat down and rolled his eyes.

“HELLO BILLIAM.” he shouted. “Can I ask you something now?”

Just then, Ben had plopped down next to him, a small tray of food in his hands. “Ask him what?” Ben inquired, picking up his carton of milk.

“Do you know a kid named Richie?” Ben choked on his milk and looked sideways at bill with a face Eddie couldn’t quite place. Bill cleared his throat.

“R-richie? A-a-as in Richie T-tozier?” Eddie shrugged, searching the cafeteria for the dark haired boy. “Yeah, i guess, i don’t know his last name.” Bill opened his mouth to speak again, but Ben interrupted him. “I have him in a few classes with him, why?”

Eddie’s cheeks turned red, quite possibly giving himself away without even speaking. Bill’s eyes widened. “Y-you don’t l-like him d-do you?” “I...uh…” Eddie trailed off, not even sure what he felt for the boy in his class. Ben hit bill’s shoulder, giving him a look. “it’s okay if you do. it’s just…” Eddie looked at him expectantly.

“It’s just what?”

The bell rang suddenly, and Ben jumped up, pulling Bill up by his sleeve. “Oh, gotta get to class. we’ll talk to you later, Eddie.” his friends rushed out, leaving Eddie standing at the table, their food still littered on it. “Fucking hell.” Eddie grumbled, throwing out the trash and storming off to class, angry with the conversation he’d just had. He was mostly angry with himself.

_Why did I even ask them about him? I don’t like Richie, this is stupid._

But his stomach disagreed, filling with butterflies at the mere thought of the boy. As Eddie walked to his next class, the common sense part of his brain started to kick in. It doesn’t even matter if there was a teeny, tiny possibility that Richie could like him back.

Even if he did, the boy would be driven away by the fact that Eddie lives by himself in a two room apartment, kicked out for being too gay. And if he somehow managed to stay around after finding that out, he would definitely leave after Eddie told him how he made the extra cash to pay his bills. This whole situation was a mess, and he would lose either way. So he figured, why bother? Walking into algebra, he made his decision.

_**I do not like Richie Tozier. I do not even find him attractive, and no, I will not speak to him.** _

But Eddie wasn’t very good at keeping promises, and this one was no exception.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof this chapter's short don't kill me it's my first fic but leave some words of encouragement below???  
> xoxo, @onlyreddie


	3. carry on

Later that day, Richie met up with Stan, a smile still plastered on his face. “Woah, Richie, are you smiling?” He nodded, shaking Stan's shoulders and quickly signed what had happened in his last class. Richie's three friends, Beverly, Stan and Mike had all learned sign language a few days after he lost his hearing. They had known each other for years, and the minute they learned about his accident, they started to research the language. Richie had never met anyone else that was willing to learn it, so his three friends had remained his only ones.

Richie signed desperately, his fingers shaking and his palms sweaty.

_**“He’s small and has wavy brown hair and the most beautiful freckles I've ever seen, do you know who i’m talking about?”** _

Stan laughed, a deep hearty laugh that rumbled in his chest.

_**“Sounds like you have the hots for Eddie Kaspbrak. Luckily for you, he’s as gay as they come.”** _

It seems like Richie had been disconnected from the world for longer than he thought. He had no idea what gay meant, or why Stan had signed it almost hesitantly. He thought people would like whoever they wanted, and he had an interest in boys for as long as he could remember.

Sure he never acted on it because people of all genders would run away from him, but he always secretly thought boys were magical. Girls too. Richie didn’t know what was right and wrong anymore, but he knew what he felt for Eddie couldn’t have been wrong.

Richie used his words for the first time in years. since he wasn’t born deaf, he could still speak, but the words often came out warbled and scratchy, due to the fact that he couldn't hear himself.

_“Gay?”_

His voice cracked, the sudden strain on his vocal cords after years of not speaking taking over his throat.

“Did Richie just speak?” A voice behind them shrieked. It was Mike, his large, broad frame causing Stan to look up at him when he whipped his head around.

“Hey Mike,” Richie signed, too afraid to use his voice again. His friends talked among themselves, Richie assumed Stan was catching Mike up. before Mike could sign anything to Richie, the bell rang, signaling the end of school and Richie fled down the hall, leaving his friends standing there.

_Well that was fucking useless, they didn’t help at all._

After school was Henry Bowers and his gang’s usual time for picking on kids. He had given Richie a break when the accident first occurred, but time was up. Henry was back to pushing him around, beating him up and tugging on his ears, yelling about how useless they were if you couldn’t even hear.

Henry was probably the biggest cause of Richie's low self esteem, as ridiculous as that sounded. Being disconnected from the world for so long made you very gullible, and Richie was no exception to that. So he found himself running home every day to avoid Henry's harsh words, his lungs screaming for air by the time he arrived home.

But today he got distracted by a small, brown haired boy with a constellation of freckles on his face. Eddie. He stopped running and watched the boy cross the sidewalk in front of him with every intention of approaching him, when a hard tug on his ear almost caused his vision to go dark. He felt hot, alcohol laced breath on his neck, and he looked up to see none other than Henry Bowers.

_Damnit, the one time he stopped for barely a minute. The universe definitely did not like him._

Henry grinned down at him, holding the front of his shirt in his clenched fist, his friends surrounding him with matching expressions. The boy above him let out a chuckle, and leaned over to say something to his friends. Richie could not make out the words, only feel the harsh vibrations bouncing through the air. Then he felt the hands on his ears again, tugging so hard he thought his head would rip right in half.

The other boys were laughing around him, pointing and jeering insults Richie couldn’t even hear. Angry tears welled up in his eyes. He hated feeling helpless, he hated being so weak and disconnected. He absolutely hated it. Richie tried to wiggle and squirm, get away from the bullies, do SOMETHING. but he was trapped in their fists, their harsh fingertips leaving bruises along his arms.

Richie was about to give up, let them jostle him until they were content, when another sudden force attacked Henry, pulling Richie from his grasp. It was Eddie, his cheeks red with anger and his freckles suddenly darker, looking a scary black to match his expression. The small boy screamed something at the bullies who cowered from the sudden confrontation, but stood their ground, sneers sliding onto their face. Richie laid on the ground, watching the boys as they exchanged insults, paying no mind to him on the floor.

He took the minute to catch his breath, taking account of the bruises on his arms. He knew he would have to stand up for Eddie any second. Richie had trouble defending himself but when it came to that boy, he feel as if he could jump in front of a bullet for him any day. What Richie was anticipated suddenly erupted, Henry swinging out his arms to shove Eddie suddenly, and the small boy almost toppled backwards. Richie sprung into action, diving at Henry's legs to try and knock him over. It worked, but the bully took Richie with him, slamming his head onto the concrete.

He blacked out, the pain filling his head like hot lava. He stayed on the floor, not wanting to get up, glad for once in his life that he couldn’t hear. He didn’t want to hear them beat Eddie senseless. He didn’t want to hear it. So he stayed like that on the floor, the cool darkness providing relief, feeling the blood trickle down his bashed nose. Then he felt the ground next to him sink, and he opened his eyes to look.

There was Eddie on the ground, his face looking as if he had hit it against a wall repeatedly. Richie guessed Henry's gang was done with him, by the way his eye was blackened and the bruises on his jaw. Eddie turned to look at him, and smile when he realized their faces were inches apart. Richie then realized how cliche this was. Laying on the ground with their bloody, battered faces, looking as if they were in love.

 _But they weren’t, I don't get to feel love_ and that broke the moment for him.

He sat up on his knees, looking back down at Eddie who had a confused look on his face.

“I’m deaf.” Richie said, his voice coming out warbled and weak.

He didn’t even stay to see Eddie's reaction, instead jumping up and sprinting away, leaving the one thing he brought to school behind. A copy of to kill a mockingbird, sticky notes dancing from the edges.

Eddie picked it up and hugged it to his chest, watching Richie run away from him.


	4. revenge

“It would’ve been nice to mention that he was deaf, you fucking bitch!” Eddie was pacing around Bill’s room, Richie's book still clutched in his hands.

“I-i’m so-rry Eddie, I t-thought it was ob-vious.” For the first time since the fight, Eddie dropped the book in his hands.

“Obvious? Bill, you made me look like an asshole! I just wanted to talk to him and now he’ll probably never speak to me ever again!” Bill stood from his place on the bed, running his hands through his hair nervously. “L-look, Eddie, it’s n-not that big o-of a deal. I’m s-sure he isn’t m-mad at you, it’s n-not your f-f-fault you didn’t know.” The smaller boy looked around the room, eyes darting this way and that, searching for some kind of solution.

“I’ll have to learn sign language. I want to be able talk to him, Bill. you don’t understand, I -” Eddie bit his lip, wondering how to phrase his next thought. “I think I like him…” Bill flashed a knowing smile, grabbing Eddie's hand and guiding him out his house. “S-sounds like w-we got some studying to do.”

After what seemed like an eternity of reading at the library, Eddie felt confident enough to hold a decent conversation with Richie. He had it all scripted out with bill, he would return the book, ask him if he was okay from the fight, and get his number. Eddie had learned all the signs for those words, on top of some extra ones just in case. It didn’t seem like it would be too hard, all he had to do was follow the script.

_But it didn't seem like Richie was going to follow his lines, that bastard._

Before Eddie had even signed the first word, Richie had bolted from him, leaving Eddie standing in the middle of the over crowded hallway.

 _Of course he’s going to run away from you, dipshit. you walk up to him in the hallway with that smug look on your face, he probably thinks you’re going to make fun of him. Stupid, stupid, stupid_.

Eddie stormed off to class, eager to find Bill to rant. He felt bad that his best friend was getting all his anger, but he couldn't help it. He felt like he would never be able to talk to Richie.

He didn't understand why this boy was so difficult to work up the courage to talk to. Considering his second job, he should have no problem talking to guys. That's the skill he was hired for, after all! But the fact that it was daytime, and he was only nerdy Eddie Kaspbrak with pastel button up shirts, made it much harder to be brave. 

His walk home was more depressing than usual. Richie was nowhere to be found, he probably took another route home since he knew Eddie took this one. It felt more like a walk of shame, sign language gestures spinning through his head. Even worse, it was drizzling.

Eddie didn’t even try to rush home, letting the drops spill down his forehead and splash onto his shoes. He didn’t like this feeling at all. liking somebody. It was god damn awful, he hadn’t even spoken to the kid and he was walking home in the rain, moping over him like he was in fucking music video.

Eddie walked the rest of the way home with a frown, letting the rain completely soak him to the bone. The only thing he kept dry was Richie's book-- clutched inside his coat. He was going to return it to him first chance he got, maybe even speak to him.

But for now he had another night to decipher the brightly colored sticky notes poking up from the pages. They hadn’t made much sense yesterday.

____________________________________________________________________________

Stan came up behind him, pushing his shoulder forward. He almost face planted on the wet sidewalk in front of him, and angrily whipped around. Hoping his eyes would express all the confusion he felt, he shrugged his shoulders at Stan, as if to say “what gives?”

He didn’t feel like speaking today, or even signing. Richie didn’t think he’d feel like it for probably the rest of his life. Eddie had actually walked up to him today, and like a little bitch, Richie had ran away.

_He. Ran. Away. How could he run away when the universe gave him such a perfect chance to speak to his crush? Crush? Would that be the right word?_

Stan snapped him out of his thoughts by tugging his arm, and pointing at the sidewalk across from Richie. A few blocks back was the speck of none other than Eddie Kaspbrak, all in his pale, button up glory.

When school ended, Richie had bolted as fast as he could to avoid anymore embarrassing confrontations with him, practically dragging Stan behind him by his hair. Eddie hadn’t seen Richie in front of him, he had his head hung down, eyes on sidewalk below him. He was pretty indecisive at that moment.

_Should he run, or go talk to him?_

Then something in Eddie's half open coat caught his eyes.

His book.

The book he dropped after the fight with Henry.

Richie thought back to all the embarrassing things he wrote in the book, including the poem he wrote about Eddie.

_He’s holding my book, he’s going to read it, and he’s going to hate me. This boy I don’t even know and I haven't even spoke to, is going to hate me._

Tears welled up in Richie's eyes, and he ran off, leaving Stan behind, who hadn’t even noticed Richie's sudden absence.

Not like anyone noticed when he was actually there.

____________________________________________________________________________

_**i am alone.** _

_**soft and broken.** _

_**quiet in my own void.** _

_**no one to speak to, even if i wanted to.** _

Eddie was in his room, splayed out on his bed with Richie's book opened in front of him, running his fingers along the pages. The bright sticky note this poem was written on seemed quite ironic to Eddie, since the dark words contrasted the colorful paper.

He had read over this poem a few times, along with some others, but there was one that really stuck out to him.

Like it was written for him.

Of course, that was probably not true at all. But the thought that it might be comforted him, his eyes drinking in the poetic words on the blue note in front of him.

 

_**it looks like he can hear me.** _

_**as if he could hear me speak to him.** _

_**he looks at me as if i had constellations on my skin.** _

_**and sunlight radiating from my fingertips.** _

_**he looks at me as if i could answer all the earth’s questions.** _

_**but i haven’t even spoken to him** _

_**and he doesn't even know i’m deaf.** _

 

Eddie’s heart broke in half. there were so many thing he didn’t understand about Richie.

Why did he choose this book to mark?

Why did he run away from Eddie if he was so interested in him?

And more importantly,

**Why did he think his deafness defined him?**

 

Eddie wanted to be there for him. He wanted to pull Richie out of the dark and show him the sunlight pouring from his fingertips and the constellations written on his skin. He wanted to show him all the beautiful things in life. Standing up from the bed, Eddie sighed, looking around the apartment he lived in by himself. He probably wasn’t the best person to come into Richie's life.

He had millions of problems of his own, and he didn’t want to burden Richie with his life. With all the irresponsible ways he scraped money together to pay bills, his irrational fear of intimacy, and his shitty living situation, he was definitely not the person for Richie. Tears threatened to spill out over his cheeks. In all of his 17, almost 18 years of life, Eddie didn’t think anything had him more conflicted. He never thought something could be this important to him, but here he was, reading poems on colorful sticky notes and crying about a boy, while the rain pattered on his window.

How cliche.


	5. the first secret

Eddie woke up the next morning, his skin feeling heavy on his body. His thoughts and feelings from last night came crashing to his head as soon as he got out of bed to head to the bathroom. He just wanted to hide from everyone at this point, the shower doing little to cheer him up.

Eddie wanted nothing more than to drown himself in the shower, maybe turn the water scalding hot and burn his skin off. But he couldn’t do that, today was Saturday, which meant the bills were due again. The week had flown too fast, it seems like he just paid them, when in reality it was last week. 

It was hard to keep track of time when he had so many other things on his mind, his top distraction being Richie now. He groaned as he exited the shower, throwing on his clothes and getting ready for another boring Saturday, dreading the hours until he had to leave for work.

Unfortunately for him, time seems to fly by when you least want it to, and before he knew it, he had accomplished nothing but watch Netflix all day, and seven o'clock had rolled around. Eddie willed himself off the couch and trudged upstairs to change.

He had cut it close again. Eddie glanced at the stack of unpaid bills on the counter as he prepared to leave for work, the envelopes leaving a haunting presence in the room. He sighed, gathering his coat from the coat rack next to the door. The long, brown coat covered up his silk crop top, leaving just a sliver of his blue booty shorts to peek out the bottom. 

There’s nothing he could do to hide the fishnets though. Eddie tried his best not to think about Richie on his drive to the strip club. 

“This is something I need to do to live. I’m not a bad person for this.” He murmured to himself, catching a glimpse of his overly made-up face in the rearview mirror. Eddie hoped he wouldn’t have any private sessions tonight, he didn’t think he could handle the intimacy with a stranger when the only person on his mind was Richie.

                                                                                                    ------------------------------------------

Richie was just wandering at this point. He had no money for gas since his parents were out of town, so he had no choice but to get around on foot. He took the bus downtown since the fare was pretty cheap on Saturdays. Richie wondered briefly what Eddie was doing right now, but shook the thoughts out as soon as they hit him.

He passed by a small cafe with people bustling in and out, and he yearned to hear their laughter, their conversations. Soon he came upon an alleyway, with a neon yellow sign put up on one of the walls. 

It was an arrow, pointing to what looked like the sketchiest strip club Richie had ever seen. Not that he has seen any with his own eyes, only in movie and tv shows with the captions on. He knew this wasn't a smart idea to be walking up to a strip club without any of his friends to hear for him, but something about this place drew him closer, a rickety sign hung precariously over the entrance. 

“The Gentlemen’s Club,” was spelled out above him in the tackiest font possible. Richie didn’t know why, but he pushed the gaudy pink doors open and walked inside, not exactly sure what he was looking for. 

He stopped at the door, eyes peeled wide from the sight in front of him. He let his jaw drop open, and a foreign feeling seeps through his veins.

Richie was surprised. For the first time in a while, someone surprised him. Usually, people tend to be exactly who Richie thinks they are since he has so much free time to observe and categorize people’s behavior. Eddie Kaspbrak was not who Richie thought he was.

The small, freckled boy from his class was on a large stage, surrounded by drunk, horny men. He was dressed in the tightest shorts Richie had ever seen, the look completed with black fishnet stockings and stilettos. 

Eddie was dancing to a provocative song, Richie could only assume, due to the sultry was his hips were saying and a coy look on his face. He stuck by the door just watching, because the fact that he couldn’t hear anything in a sketchy place like this made him uneasy, so he stayed close to the nearest exit.

The longer he watched Eddie, the more Richie enjoyed the smile on the boy’s face, it seemed like he was enjoying himself. But smile slowly faded to a look of horror as his and Richie’s eyes met.

Eddie couldn’t believe it. There was no way this was happening. Out of all the strip clubs in the world that Richie could’ve walked into, he walked into this one, on this night, at the exact time Eddie happened to be on stage, grinding against a balding man with a boner. Richie stood with his hand still caught on the door, his jaw dropped and eyes locked on Eddie’s. 

The stripper’s cheeks flushed a bright red in the harsh stage lights, and he ran off stage, straight toward the door. Despite all the clients calling and complaining after him, he kept going and didn’t stop until he had pushed Richie aside and sprang outside the doors. Eddie took a deep breath to fill his lungs with cool air, his whole body hot and throbbing like a child who had been caught stealing a candy bar. He pressed the heels of his palms into his eyelids and willed himself to hold the lump in his throat back.

_Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry._

But he couldn’t hold the tears back. His body betrayed him, and he let out a wracking sob as his knees hit the pavement.

_How could this happen to me? How could Richie find the one thing in my life that I’m ashamed of?_

_“Well, that’s not true,”_  His mind bit back, a harsh tone of voice that Eddie found following him through everything he did.  _“You’re ashamed of everything in your life, he was bound to find out at some point,”_ the voice sneered. Eddie let himself drown in the criticism, thankful that the alley outside the bar was empty, and he could sob in peace.

Footsteps nearby contradicted his thoughts and he glanced up, surprised to see Richie standing there, a guilty look on his face.

“Why do you look guilty? You weren’t the one caught stripping for money!” he yelled, more furious with himself than with the other boy. Richie didn’t even flinch at his words and he realized --  _He can’t hear me._ The realization somehow made him feel worse, and Eddie buried his head back into his hands, praying to God that Richie didn’t hate him.

What Richie did next was not an act of someone who hated someone else.

He got to his knees next to Eddie and wrapped an arm around the sobbing boy’s shoulders, pulling him closer to his warmth. Eddie felt comforted and whispered a “thank you” through his sobs. Richie felt the vibration of the words through Eddie’s chest and he grinned softly, ignoring the growing wet spot on his shirts.

Richie had a realization that day as well. That other people had it much worse than him. His life was pretty great besides the fact that he had a slight disability. 

“I’m sorry,” Richie said to the sky. 

He was sorry for all the things he took for granted.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you guys enjoyed! leave some kind words below xoxo  
> come say hi on tumblr! @onlyreddie


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